Everything’s a blur. My heart is pounding as fear and anxiety fill my mind and body. My legs, kicking as fast as they possibly can, trying to keep my head above the water. My lungs quickly fill with water as I gasp for air; I see nothing and no one for miles in every direction. I am being consumed by each wave. My face burns from the vicious tides smacking me in the face, blurring my vision even more. My eyes close as another wave comes crashing down on me. It pulls me completely under.
I am in a very dark place. There is no glimpse of light to be seen anywhere. “Hello? Is anyone there?” The only sound I could hear was the heaviness of my breathing. I could feel the fear creeping up inside of me. Then a faint voice began to fill the space around me. It soon became louder and stronger. “Hello? Can you hear me? I need your help”. The voice was angry, yelling, cursing, and threatening with uncontrollable rage. As I continue to listen to the irate voice, I began to recognize it. “Who is that?” I ask myself. “I know that voice. Where have I heard it before?” These questions filled my mind as I tried so hard to figure out whom the voice belonged to. Then, it came to me.
I open my eyes only to quickly realize that if I do not pull myself up above the water, I will die. The waves continue to take over and drag me down, swallowing my entire being, holding me under. My legs and arms are exhausted from the continuous battle between the raging waves. I began to allow fear and doubt to take over, claiming their victory over me. When I could not fight anymore, I cried out, “Lord, please help me! It’s consuming me and I can’t get out!”
I feel something grab my hand. I turn to see what it is and it is Him. He is in the water with me. I’m so afraid and anxious and I shout, “We have to get out! It’s dangerous! We have to get out now! Come on!” And He says, “What’s so dangerous about it? The water is calm. Look.” I look around and see the calmest waters I have ever seen in my life. It is so soothing and peaceful. I stand there, confused and overwhelmed by so many feelings. I ask, “But how? I was just fighting for my life in this water. I was going to drown. How is it so calm?” Then He asks me, “Did you really think you were going to drown? This water is so shallow. You were going to allow it to consume you?” I continued to look around. He is right; the water is shallow. “Jerrika, do you think I would let you drown? I wouldn’t be a very good Father if I let that happen”.
Anger. It is so easy to become angry at things, others, and yourself. I have become a very angry person. So much has happened to me that all I know is anger, fear, and anxiety. I have allowed myself to be consumed by anger. My anger is towards others and myself. My heart has become bitter, cold, and insensitive. So many people, who I have trusted, let into my life, and shared moments with, have done me wrong. I am also infuriated with myself for allowing myself to become such an angry person and for making poor choices that only lead to more anger. I continue to allow my thoughts and feelings of this World to get the best of me. Though I try to be strong and keep my head up, my anger, my rage, my desire for revenge, overtakes me and pulls me in to this horrible sea of hatefulness. But I’m tired. I’m fatigued and completely drained mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m letting go of my anger. I want to love again, “because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land”(Psalm 37: 8-9).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)