Missing the Obvious

As I am driving home from work, I take the usual way just like any other mundane night. Though every other night is pretty much the same for me, tonight was different. As I was driving, I had a lot on my mind. More so than the typical stresses of life. This feeling wasn’t just effecting my thoughts but was also impacting my heart.

Rewinding to a few months ago, I have been struggling with my emotions. Relationships/friendships with guys have been like a roller coaster for me. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past by men which makes it more and more difficult for me to trust them, or anyone for that matter. I’ve come to realize, in spite of my experiences, that you truly cannot trust anyone because when you let your walls down completely, you find yourself broken, hurt, and lonely. I can’t say this is true for every one in the world, but it has been so far with my experiences.

I can feel my heart continuing to become harder and bitter because of all the pain I have gone through. I feel as if my compassion for others is becoming non-existent and my attitude towards life, sour. I don’t like it, but I feel like I can’t help it. It’s the only way to protect myself from being hurt again. It’s my defense mechanism in order to keep others far away from my heart. As I am doing this to the world and people around me, I’ve realized that I am also doing this to Jesus, my Best Friend.

I continue to distance myself from others which is also causing a wall between Christ and I to be formed. He is the only one who knows how to help me. He knows every secret in my life and understands me completely. He knows how to handle every situation, good or bad, that I am in. So why do I build this wall up? Why keep Christ away when He is only good to me? He has done nothing but love me and that is all He will ever do, forever.

Often times we are consumed by the busyness of the world. We forget to stop and smell the roses and neglect to appreciate the life we are given and the things that surround us. When we become so engrossed in our emotions and try to find satisfaction, acceptance, and love from so many different things and people that only provide what our heart desires temporarily, we forget the one place that offers an abundance of love and affection, from the One who truly matters.

He is my Home, my Safe Place, my Rock, my Best Friend. He’s the only one who knows how to steady my heart. He is always by my side no matter how far I stray.

“I will always wait for you, My beautiful, precious daughter. Always and forever.”

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. -Proverbs 4:23

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7

 

 

Dancing With The Love Of My Life

January 3, 2017

I went to put some laundry away, but before I even grabbed an article of clothing, I stopped, closed my eyes, and started swaying to the music in the background. I had never heard the song before so I had no idea what the lyrics were about. I put my arms on top of my head and just slowly swayed side-to-side to the rhythm of the music. Everything in my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, they all disappeared. I could feel His presence surround me, consume me, overtake me.

And there I was, in an elegant red ballroom gown that went all the way down to the floor with shiny sequins catching the light as I continued to dance. White gloves covered my hands and went all the way up to my elbows. My hair was curled; half put up and flawlessly hanging down my back, swaying to the left and right just as my feet caused my entire body to do. There He was, in the most astonishing tux with a red rose blooming out of his jacket pocket. His complexion was so bright and breath taking and His eyes were warm and comforting. His smile distracted me from everything else going on around me. I felt such a deep admiration and honor being in His presence.

He was dancing with me. His left hand in my right hand and his right hand pressed against my back while my left hand rested gently on His shoulder. We were dancing according to the music playing in the background, a little upbeat but slow at the same time. I could not stop smiling as He looked into my eyes. He smiled back at me and said, “Jerrika, you’re so beautiful. Everything about you is just amazing. You will always have a glow in your spirit that will always have people desiring to be around you. Why do you run from that?” I looked away, uncertain how to answer His question. He then asked, “Why do you run from Me, searching for approval from others and things that don’t even matter? You have Me, am I not enough for you? No matter how far you run, I will always be there with you. I’m never going to let you go. I love you too much to just let you go. I’m not like everyone else. I don’t just come and go. I will always be here to stay, forever, if you allow Me to. Let Me be everything that you need. Let Me take care of you and you won’t need to fill your life with people and things that will only bring you down. Please?” Our eyes met, I smiled, nodded my head, and said, “Okay”.

Tears rolled down my face. His love, His passion, His heart for me, leaves me speechless, in awe and wonder. He is so in love with me and no love from anyone on earth can compare. Jesus is my one and only true love. He’s the only one who can make me abundantly happy. He knows my every need and He satisfies it. I’m done looking for love, instead, allowing Him to consume me with His love. His arms are the most loving, caring, and comforting. No matter where I go or how far I go, He will always find me and confess His undying love for me. It’s time for me to stop running from Him and to embrace all of His love for me because it is the only love that I will ever need.

 

 

Love Always Wins

Everything’s a blur. My heart is pounding as fear and anxiety fill my mind and body. My legs, kicking as fast as they possibly can, trying to keep my head above the water. My lungs quickly fill with water as I gasp for air; I see nothing and no one for miles in every direction. I am being consumed by each wave. My face burns from the vicious tides smacking me in the face, blurring my vision even more. My eyes close as another wave comes crashing down on me. It pulls me completely under.

I am in a very dark place. There is no glimpse of light to be seen anywhere. “Hello? Is anyone there?” The only sound I could hear was the heaviness of my breathing. I could feel the fear creeping up inside of me. Then a faint voice began to fill the space around me. It soon became louder and stronger. “Hello? Can you hear me? I need your help”. The voice was angry, yelling, cursing, and threatening with uncontrollable rage. As I continue to listen to the irate voice, I began to recognize it. “Who is that?” I ask myself. “I know that voice. Where have I heard it before?” These questions filled my mind as I tried so hard to figure out whom the voice belonged to. Then, it came to me.

I open my eyes only to quickly realize that if I do not pull myself up above the water, I will die. The waves continue to take over and drag me down, swallowing my entire being, holding me under. My legs and arms are exhausted from the continuous battle between the raging waves. I began to allow fear and doubt to take over, claiming their victory over me. When I could not fight anymore, I cried out, “Lord, please help me! It’s consuming me and I can’t get out!”

I feel something grab my hand. I turn to see what it is and it is Him. He is in the water with me. I’m so afraid and anxious and I shout, “We have to get out! It’s dangerous! We have to get out now! Come on!” And He says, “What’s so dangerous about it? The water is calm. Look.” I look around and see the calmest waters I have ever seen in my life. It is so soothing and peaceful. I stand there, confused and overwhelmed by so many feelings. I ask, “But how? I was just fighting for my life in this water. I was going to drown. How is it so calm?” Then He asks me, “Did you really think you were going to drown? This water is so shallow. You were going to allow it to consume you?” I continued to look around. He is right; the water is shallow. “Jerrika, do you think I would let you drown? I wouldn’t be a very good Father if I let that happen”.

Anger. It is so easy to become angry at things, others, and yourself. I have become a very angry person. So much has happened to me that all I know is anger, fear, and anxiety. I have allowed myself to be consumed by anger. My anger is towards others and myself. My heart has become bitter, cold, and insensitive. So many people, who I have trusted, let into my life, and shared moments with, have done me wrong. I am also infuriated with myself for allowing myself to become such an angry person and for making poor choices that only lead to more anger. I continue to allow my thoughts and feelings of this World to get the best of me. Though I try to be strong and keep my head up, my anger, my rage, my desire for revenge, overtakes me and pulls me in to this horrible sea of hatefulness. But I’m tired. I’m fatigued and completely drained mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m letting go of my anger. I want to love again, “because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land”(Psalm 37: 8-9).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

 

 

 

Sometimes we don’t need to know in order to really understand.

Life is very unexpected. We can assume or hope for the best in each day, but we have no control over the circumstances which awaits us in the time ahead. We only have control over our actions, responses, and intellectual process of it all. It is important to not be consumed by all the hustle and bustle of everything around us, but instead, take time to breathe and reconnect with your inner-self.

During this time of self-reflecting, mind-renewing, and change-making, I will consider my past experiences and learn from them. I will apply what I have learned to my future and change my perceptions and the way I live out my life, so others may see the positive that can come from negative situations.

As I cried in my bed this morning trying to understand what I did, why this happened, and what I should have done differently, I searched my heart deeply to find the real reason as to why I was upset. I realized that I wasn’t upset because I did not have answers or closure to this situation that was happening in my life. I was upset for a more devastating reason. One that has been near and dear to my heart since the day I was born.

Empty My Soul, by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser was playing in the background as I was sobbing from the pain within me. As I continued to search my heart, looking for answers, I finally reached the bottom. I fell to my knees and wept. “I’m so sorry” came trembling from my lips. Then the most soothing, patient, and loving voice I have ever heard in my life permeated the space around me. His voice was the most beautiful sound in the entire world and I was thankful to be in His presence once more.

As I laid there, helpless, broken, and confused, Jesus said, “Jerrika, you will always be my daughter and I will always love you no matter what”. He held me in His arms and ran His fingers through my hair. With His loving arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, He said, “You’re okay. I have big plans for you. You just have to trust Me.” I took a moment to embrace this feeling of peace and comfort. I gathered my thoughts and finally said, “Forgive me for not putting you first. I know that I fall into this trap every time and I get the same results. I am lost without You. I am nothing and I have nothing without You.” He looked into my eyes, smiled, kissed me on my forehead and said, “So let’s go”.

I don’t need to piece the puzzle together to understand. How can you when all the pieces are scattered and can’t be found? With Jesus, none of that matters. I find my answers in Him. I’m letting go of my past transgressions, and renewing my heart, mind, and soul in Christ. Romans 12: 2 states, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect”. My love for Christ, what He did for me on the cross, and His unfailing and never ending love for Me is what keeps me going each day. My story isn’t over yet; I will continue with Christ in my life, forever and always. 

 

 

 

Hello world!

Hey Everyone!

I am FINALLY starting my blog! Man! Time flies by, but at least I’m doing it now! So pretty much, this is going to be thoughts, ideas…basically my mind, heart, and soul poured out into this thing. So if you’re interested, read. Comment if you would like, but please, no cursing, bashing, insulting, etc. This is about me uplifting, encouraging, and sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings with you. I do not mind probing and asking for clarification or advice. Please, questions are welcomed. My desire is for opening up, sharing life experiences, intellectual excursions, and challenging myself and others to be BIG in this not so big world. Life is full of surprises and it’s nice to be able to share with others some of the situations that we are faced with daily. Thank you for taking the time to read and I pray you enjoy!